“It’s not your job to like me—it’s mine.” Byron Katie Why are breakups so painful? Whether we are the dumper or the dumpee, the range of emotions we feel is universal: devastation, sadness, and anger. Oh, and there’s the acute pain, as if your heart had been gouged from your chest, stabbed a dozen times with a butter knife, and booted to the curb. Am I right? Of course I am. I’ve been there. We all have. I intimately experienced a broken heart and its rippling effects when my partner and I ended our seven-year relationship. I admit that I was the architect of the break-up. I was mostly shut off, insecure, and jealous during the tenure of the relationship. Our breakup was sticky. It was messy. It was ugly…downright. As if the pain isn’t enough, we can’t sleep, we lose our appetite or eat like a cow, we stop bathing, we look homeless, and we watch YouTube playlists of How to Get Your Ex Back in Thirty days. Sad days. You see, a breakup is a loss. It’s a death of a relationship. It’s a death of an identity that was entangled with our ex partner. The stages of a breakup are similar to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s no wonder we’re a mess when we split from an ex. The good news is that there is an antidote to our hot-messed-up heart: mindful self-compassion. What is Mindfulness?When I first came across the practice of mindfulness, I had a difficult time grasping it: to be aware on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment. Huh? What I found helpful was to understand its opposite: mindlessness. In the past I often turned to food to make myself feel better. During the breakup I gorged mindlessly, frequently finishing pints of ice cream and large bags of chips and popcorn without ever being present to the eating. For example, one particular day I was listening to music and a song came up that reminded me of my ex. Instantly, I became sad. This prompted me to grab a bag of popcorn and start eating. Next thing I knew the bag was almost empty. Then I muttered to myself, “I’m such a fat cow.” When our brain is on autopilot, we are not present in our experience of life. In the case of the popcorn, I had been mentally checked out, lost in my thoughts of my ex, as I nearly finished the bag. Then I chastised myself for it. Studies have shown that when our minds wander, we’re unhappy. When I look at my own life, I see that being mindless, not mindful has led to a lot of suffering in the forms of anger, shame, anxiety, and depression. The practice of mindfulness, then, is to pay attention, on purpose, to what we’re thinking, what we’re feeling (emotions and bodily sensations), and what is happening in our environment, without judging it. In other words, we are an engaged and impartial observer to what we’re experiencing in the present moment. We don’t use labels or preconceptions, and we don’t believe our thoughts or take them personally. How Can Mindfulness Mend a Broken Heart?A stressful event, such as a breakup, can cause our minds to explode. Often, we’re spinning on our thoughts and we don’t know how to stop it. There may be thoughts and feelings of rejection, regret, shame, and unworthiness, and a host of destructive beliefs. After my ex and I split, I had a lot of regret, and my thoughts involved punishing myself for how my actions had led to the undoing of the relationship. I replayed past events over and over in my head. I kept wishing that I could have done things differently. I thought I could have been more open, trusting, and loving. And I wished I hadn’t been so scared to share my vulnerability and fears, because if I had, perhaps that would have strengthened the relationship instead of weakened it. The breakup was excruciatingly painful, yet I felt it necessary to hurl more insults at myself. Fortunately, there are many forms of mindfulness that can help us get over a breakup and our ex. This is what I did to heal myself. Mindful Self-CompassionSelf-criticism is very common. And in the context of a breakup, when we’re in pain, we tend to open the floodgates of self-berating thoughts. We are ruthless, and very good at it. We might think:
When we believe these harsh thoughts it exacerbates our suffering. According to Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion – The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, self-criticism has a strong association with depression and dissatisfaction with life. And underneath our self-attacks are deep insecurities about our own personal worth and value. This was true for me. I had often discounted my talents and abilities because I had a core belief that I wasn’t good enough. And my breakup only further triggered my negative self-perception. Fortunately, mindful self-compassion can snap us out of our mindless self-judgment, and provide us comfort when we need it most. Being compassionate means recognizing that there is suffering, being moved by the suffering, leading us to alleviate it, and understanding that suffering is part of our shared human experience. The practice of mindful self-compassion is being aware of the self-criticical thoughts that cause us pain, offering kindness and love to ourselves to allay it, and recognizing that we’re not alone—what we’re going through is part of life, and we all have imperfections. There are many self-compassion exercises, but this is one of my favorites: Self-Compassion Exercise: A Letter to Yourself1. Grab your journal or a piece of paper and pen, and write about the thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and insecurity you may have as a result of the breakup. Write about any emotions that arise—shame, regret, anger, or sadness. 2. Think about a real or imaginary friend who is kind, gentle, compassionate, and unconditionally loving. This friend knows you intimately—what you’re going through, your life history, your strengths, your weaknesses, your thoughts of inadequacies and insecurities. 3. From the viewpoint of your compassionate friend, write a letter to yourself. Using deep compassion and loving kindness, what would s/he say about your thoughts of inadequacy? How would s/he address the suffering that you’re experiencing as a result of your self-attack? How would s/he point out that you are only human and that we all have strengths and weaknesses? 4. Once you finish writing the letter, put it down. Do something else like go for a walk or make a cup of tea. 5. Pick up the letter and read it. Let the words of kindness and compassion penetrate your being. Receive the love, the tenderness, and the acceptance. The “aha” moment for me when I first did this exercise, in the context of my breakup, was that I was shocked at how harsh I had been toward myself. How had I allowed the self-attack when I would have considered the same behavior, if inflicted on others, unconscionable? As a result of the exercise, I recognized that I was hurting and I gave myself permission to receive kindness and love from myself instead of rebuke. The practice of self-compassion allowed me to hold space around my thoughts and feelings, and it created an expanded awareness of who I am—that, even if I’d made mistakes in my relationship, I am lovable, I have wonderful qualities, I am capable of a lot of things, I am resilient, and most importantly, I am enough. Further, it helped me realize that we are all connected through similar experiences, whether good or bad. We are never alone. Benefits of Mindful Self-CompassionSome of you may be thinking, why bother with this self-compassion thing, when I can just go to my best friend or mom and have a good cry with them and they’ll make me feel better? This is fine as well. It’s important to have a good support system. The thing is, when we learn how to be self-compassionate, we become our own source of love and happiness. We stop relying on the external to feel good about ourselves. To boot, there is evidence that the practice of self-compassion can make us more resilient, more joyful, more productive, and less depressed. I can attest to this, having come out of my rut happier, stronger, and more at peace. I also learned ways to offer myself love and kindness, which I can apply whenever I feel the slightest of discomfort. Some of the ways I give myself care are:
When we experience a devastating event, we have a choice in how to respond. Some choose to get out of dodge mentally and deny their feelings through unhealthy coping mechanisms. Others take the route of self-punishment for their flaws and inadequacies. There is an alternative: mindful self-compassion. If you want to get over a broken heart, this practice should be at the top of your healing arsenal. About Marina AltezaMarina Alteza is a writer, traveler, and the founder of Mindfullycity.com, where she documents her practice of mindfulness, self-compassion, and gratitude to transform her relationship with daily life challenges. She’s currently pursuing her Mindful Self-Compassion teaching certificate. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. The post How to Heal a Broken Heart Using Mindful Self-Compassion appeared first on Tiny Buddha. from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-heal-a-broken-heart-using-mindful-self-compassion/
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Emotional support animals are everywhere these days. And it’s gone way beyond just dogs, cats or bunnies. Now, people are finding support and help from everything, from snakes to turkeys as well. Studies have found that pet owners are less likely to experience issues with depression and anxiety. They even have fewer problems with physical ailments like high blood pressure or high cholesterol. But what is it about animals that produces so many positive effects on us and on our lives? Below are 7 benefits of owning pets: 1. CompanionshipLoneliness is one of the most crushing feelings a person can experience. People who are lonely are more prone to depression, health issues, and even suicide. Pets go a long way in reducing loneliness by providing companionship. The type of pet isn’t as important as the connection a person develops with that pet. The presence of a pet when you are feeling lonely can, just by being there, helps push those feelings away. And, although they can’t talk back, talking to your pet can prove to be both calming and comforting. 2. ExerciseAlthough it can be difficult to walk a snake, many pets require regular physical interaction or exercise to maintain their health. This means that in order to keep them healthy, you will have move a bit, too. This extra exercise, whether through walks, play or other outings, can have a positive impact on your mental and physical condition. It has been shown that overall, pet owners are more likely to maintain a healthy weight. This probably has to do with the additional exercise that comes with owning a pet. 3. Social InteractionWhether it’s the vet, the pet store or a park, pets can give us new reasons to meet people and be social. Just being forced into being around others who also have pets creates a common connection. Being a pet owner automatically provides a topic for conversation and a sense of community with other pet owners. 4. Structure and purposeAnyone who has ever felt lonely or depressed understands the lack of motivation and focus that can come along with those feelings, especially when it comes to caring for yourself. Owning a pet requires you to focus on something else and maintain a certain amount of structure in caring for them. Even if caring for yourself is difficult, a pet needs you to care for them since they are unable to do so on their own. 5. Unconditional loveYour pet doesn’t care about what you look like, how much money you have, what your job is or anything other than being with you. They are happy just because you’re there. This unconditional love can make us feel accepted and comforted in a way that nothing else can. 6. CalmPlaying with your pet or just being with it can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine in the brain. This helps promote feelings of calm and relaxation. It also can help reduce stress hormones like cortisol, reducing inflammation within the body. 7. Overall HealthForget eating an apple a day. Studies have shown that having a pet decreases visits to the doctor’s office, especially in older adults. This goes beyond the additional exercise that pet owners are likely to get — although that certainly plays a role in staying healthy. The connection you develop with your pets and the love you feel can motivate you to adopt an overall healthier lifestyle so that you can care for them. Although the benefit of pets and support animals is clear, it isn’t always feasible for everyone. Some people don’t have time, money or the space to own a pet of any kind. ConclusionIn cases like this, there are alternatives. You can offer to walk or watch a neighbor’s pet, volunteer at an animal shelter or find out how you can assist organizations that specialize in support animals. Just being around an animal, even for a short time, can have a profoundly positive effect on a person’s mental state and outlook. This is one of the reasons why so many hospitals are now utilizing support animals as part of their treatment. See Also: Using Tech To Give Your Pet A Better Quality of Life The post 7 Ways Pets Affect Emotional and Physical Health appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/benefits-of-owning-pets/ If you are someone who forgets their belongings quite often, it is a good idea to use different devices and tracking gadgets to find lost items. Here are a few devices that you can have a look at: TileThis is one of the most popular and reliable gadgets that you can use to track. It has almost all the features that you need to keep your belongings within your reach. The Tile is a tiny device with many versions that come in different shapes and sizes. These offer attachment methods as well. You can attach this to keys, laptops or TV remotes. You can keep one in your wallet as well. Additionally, you can also use the Tile app to see the last recorded location of an object and make the attached Tile beep within a 100-feet vicinity. The good part is that it is water-resistant. It also has a button and rings to your connected phone. LoccaIf you are someone who wants something with more advanced options, then you should try out Locca. Locca is one advanced tool that helps you use the most advanced means to track your belongings. It uses GPS, your GSM cellular network, Bluetooth technology, and the Frequency Shift Keying or FSK. It doesn’t matter where you are or where you have lost your belongings. You will be able to track them anywhere. It is small in size which makes it portable. Also, Locca is waterproof. It’s designed to withstand falls, too. Pebblebee FinderThis one comes with a sleek design. It measures around 1.1 x 0.3, which makes it easy to carry. Also, it has a 200-feet range. You can get alerts using its loud buzzer and LED light. HumThis is a smart car assistant that helps people who drive track things related to their driving. It has an immense tracking system. This makes it an outstanding tool if you are someone who feels too attached to your car. The tool lets you track the car’s location from almost anywhere and provides real-time data. Also, you can get a complete history of the places that your car has gone to. You can set up reminders as well. This helps you identify parking locations. Also, you can create boundaries so that you get notified if the car enters or exits somewhere you don’t want it to go to. Click ‘n DigThis is one of the simple and useful tracking devices that are perfect for finding your stuff in your home. For instance, things like phones, keys, remotes and other stuff that you think are hard to find can be part of the list. The Click ‘n Dig has color coding on its receivers and also on the transmitter. You can connect the color-coded receivers to anything that you want to track. In case the item gets lost, you can press the receptive button. You can find this button on the receiver and it will make a loud beep, which is at 90 DB. You can also see a flash with the beep. The receiver works within an 80-feet range and radio signals can get transferred even through walls and different objects. This makes it ready for use at home. TrackRThe TrackRn is almost the same size as that of a coin. It can attach to anything that you want to track in an efficient way. With one of the most effective and useful tracking systems, it’ll alert you when your belongings get moved away from you. The good thing is that you can customize the alerts. You can set it to notify you of the total distance and many other factors. The secret lies in the Bluetooth connectivity that it uses for tracking your lost objects with a range of up to 100 feet. ConclusionUsing gadgets to find lost items can help you feel more secure. They can be a very valuable addition for people who tend to lose things easily. See Also: Searching for the Holy Grail of Work-Life Balance? Ask Technology for Help The post Track Your Lost Items Using Gadgets appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/gadgets-to-find-lost-items/ “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~Lao Tze Thanks to the Internet, our lives are full of people. We’re connected literally all the time. And yet, despite our ceaseless connection, we feel disconnected. As the pace of life becomes ever more frenetic, we’re like charged atoms, bumping into each other more and more, pinballs in the machine. We come into contact (and conflict), but we don’t commune so much. As real relationships of depth and quality become harder-won in this busy new world, their value is more keenly felt. Simply put, in the words of Brené Brown, “Connection is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It’s why we’re here.” As we fight to carve out space for these connections whose value has become so apparent, it’s natural that we cling to them more dearly. However, sadly, often the tight clinging to something is the sign that the time has come to let it go. With something as valuable as a relationship, how do we know when that time is? How do we know when it’s time to move on? I’ve unintentionally become an expert at moving on. Having lived in perhaps a dozen countries and had jobs with as many as 200 days of travel a year, I am keenly aware of the centrality of relationships. Living out of suitcase and having a rented apartment fully furnished by IKEA, they are all I have. They are my lifeblood. But sadly, I have also become far too practiced at needing to let them go. Traveling so much and relocating so often, my life has been enriched by the people I know. So many nights alone in my hotel room, I wasn’t alone. I was writing, speaking, and despite the physical distance, connecting with my dear friends. I’d arrange business trips or weekend travel so that I could meet them in some city somewhere in between. It was an effort that I would gladly expend, but I learned to see when that effort was no longer worth it, as difficult as that was to accept. Here are the three simple signs that tell me when it’s time to move on: 1. When you need to plan and strategize how to present yourselfAs life moves forward, we change. Our jobs, our looks, our economic situation, our habits, our interests—everything changes all the time. It’s the one constant in life. As two peoples’ lives change simultaneously, gaps inevitably form between them. In a relationship that will stand the test of time, these gaps are bridged with each meeting. It’s the classic case of “We haven’t seen each other for five years, but when we met, it was like no time has passed!” However, there are times when, with each meeting, the gaps get wider, and soon they’re more like gulfs. In these cases, we often spend time before the meeting fretting about how to explain, obfuscate, conceal, or excuse. Shame has crept in, and we feel like we can’t be ourselves. We’re either embarrassed of who we’ve become, or we suspect the “new” us somehow will not be acceptable to the other person. I’ve put on too much weight—she’ll never like me this way. My career hasn’t taken the same trajectory as his. I got that divorce, while he has the same wife and now three kids. When the joy and anticipation you should feel when reuniting with someone is replaced by anxiety and inadequacy, that’s a really bad sign. Of course, it could be all in your head. You don’t give up on the first go. You should make an effort to “be real” and lay it out there that things have changed. You might find it was a lot of worry about nothing. However, if your fears are confirmed and your efforts repeatedly result in awkwardness and shame because the other person rejects this new you, then it’s probably time to move on. It’s important to understand that this is not a matter of blame. True love is knowing someone fully. It’s when two people become one but maintain their individual integrity. If you need to be someone else in order to get along, then you cannot be in a truly loving relationship. 2. When the relationship drains more energy than it givesThere is almost nothing more nourishing, refreshing, and perhaps even exhilarating than truly connecting with someone. All life is energy, and when someone opens up to you, they share their energy with you, and your share yours with them. Both parties are enriched. That laugh you share with your old friend who calls unexpectedly. The warm feeling in your stomach when he smiles at you. The rush you get when she tells you she feels the same way about you. That is all our life force. However, some relationships do just the opposite: they drain us. Our interactions with these people do not involve connection, but instead armoring up and deflection, and that requires energy. What does this look like? It’s the stressful gaming out of what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it in order to avoid conflict with that person. It’s the unease you feel when you learn that she’s going to be at that party. It’s the constant bickering with your boyfriend into which otherwise joyful occasions degenerate. How does this feel? After being with the person, you feel tired, relieved to be away, or annoyed. Beforehand, you may feel nervous, low-energy, or simply like you’re going through the motions or doing your duty. Two big caveats: First, if this was a relationship that you considered important to begin with, this does not mean you give up on the first bad vibes. Of course you try and try and try again to make things work, but at a certain point the act of pushing the square peg in the round hole becomes too much. It’s just too draining. A single negative interaction cannot be enough—in fact, an intense argument shows, if nothing else, that you care about what’s at stake in the relationship. Second, this is not a recipe for selfishness. Getting energy does not equate with being the recipient of another person’s affections and generosity. In fact, quite the opposite: anyone who has loved knows how much better it feels to give than to receive; it’s a cliché that happens to be completely true. And yet, if over time you are the only one giving, it starts to feel wrong. At some point you realize the person comes to you for help, not to share. A lasting relationship is inevitably one of mutual sharing and generosity. Anything else will start to wear. 3. When you’re the only one making the effortI never thought I would need to face this topic, but today’s world of constant connecting without connection has given rise to a terrible new phenomenon--ghosting. Always having access to a connected device, people can easily just switch to some other form of distraction when there is any negativity (or even effort) associated with reaching out or responding to another person. As our reach expands, our time in each other’s physical presence shrinks, and hence it’s now possible to erase people from our digital lives. Now, it’s rare to be the recipient of a “hard” ghosting—to literally be blocked. To get to that point would involve a clear and unmistakable rupture in the relationship. However, “soft” ghosting—consistently not responding to messages in a timely manner or not at all, and opting for quick texts over thoughtful outreach and connection—this is something you’ve likely experienced. Responses to your outreach become fewer and further between, and at some point you realize that you’re basically out of contact. In these cases, the other person has either consciously chosen to focus on other things they deem more important, or they’ve gotten lost in the world of easy connecting. Or, they may simply have decided they no longer care to maintain the relationship and want to avoid the awkwardness of telling you. As I began to encounter these painful situations some years back, my first instinct was action and confrontation. I made an effort to increase my touchpoints with the person in question, invited him/her to dinners and other meetups if possible. When rebuffed (or more likely ignored), I got to a point where I directly conveyed my distress about where our relationship seemed to be heading and asked if he/she wanted to turn it around and what we could do the change the situation. Never once was this route successful. If someone is moving on with his or her life, and there’s no more space for you, no amount of guilting, cajoling, passive aggression, or begging is going to turn it around. That person needs to value your relationship above the alternatives that constantly compete with all our time each second of every day. He or she needs to want to keep you as an important part of his or her life. In these cases, the best you can do is reach out, but that outreach needs to taper off—pushing and insisting and pleading will only serve to create negative emotions and likely lead to conflict, or even worse, the person feeling the need to respond to you out of a sense of guilt or obligation. Your relationship lingers on and becomes more stilted and forced and loses its value. In fact, in any of these cases—when you feel like you can’t be yourself, the relationship becomes draining, or you’ve been ghosted—it’s difficult not to generate a lot of emotional or actual drama. It’s a sad situation involving someone who at least was once very important in your life. You naturally want to fight for it, and you should, to a point. But, like life itself, in relationships you have to learn to trust the flow. You can swim against the current for a little while, steer yourself this way and that, but in the end you cannot control the river. Instead of ratcheting up your response to the situation and effecting an emotional crescendo, do your best to reach out to your friend with honesty and compassion. There will come a time when you know it’s not worth it any more. You will feel the negative emotional vibration in the form of resentment, frustration, fear, hopelessness, etc. At that point, however, you risk tainting even the good memories of your time with that person with the bitterness of the breakup. Rather than gratitude for the time you had together, you feel loss. You rob yourself of the relationship you had. There is no way of knowing when to act, but in this case you’re not taking action, you’re letting go. The best way to know when to do that is to follow your instinct, and when your time being with and thinking about the person becomes a negative experience, that’s probably a good time. The other benefit of letting go rather than fighting is that you allow space for a reckoning if the other person decides to reengage. And though that’s unlikely based on my own experience, it could happen someday. After all, you rarely know the exact reasons and motivations for the other person’s behavior. Indeed, they’re often unknown even to the other person, and perhaps unknowable. So, one day you may find your phone ringing, and it’s your friend—people always retain the capacity to surprise you! And as hard as it might be to imagine, there may be a good reason for the person’s behavior. You never really know the suffering they’re feeling, but if they’re letting go of a dear friendship, the least you can say is they’re not thinking clearly. Some other suffering is taking hold, and it’s your friend’s loss. Don’t make it a terrible loss for yourself too by creating a drama. This is of course easier said than done, but if you stay conscious and draw on your compassion, you can do it. Recently, a dear friend of ten years ghosted me. She and I had been through it all: moving countries, marriages, deaths, international travel—all the major life milestones. A little over two years ago, she became more and more distant and less responsive. Not surprisingly, this coincided with her becoming much more active on social media and followed a period of tragedy in her life. I reached out repeatedly for about a year, but my efforts eventually led to total silence, and I let go. I haven’t heard from her in a year and a half. The moment I knew it was time to let go was when I was tempted to write her something passive-aggressive. At that point I realized I was experiencing the relationship with negativity, which would inevitably come through in my communication with her. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, but more futile efforts would have hurt even more and put a possible future reconciliation at risk. I also needed to have the compassion to understand that she had recently gone through a tragic time, and undoubtedly that had an impact on her thinking, feelings, and behavior. I hope she’s alright and remain open to the possibility that one day she might come knocking on my virtual door. But the truth was clear—it was time to let go. About Joshua KauffmanJoshua Kauffman is a recovering over-achiever and workaholic. Leaving behind a high-powered life in business, he has become a world traveler, aspiring coach, and entrepreneur of pretty things. Amateur author of a recent memoir Footprints Through The Desert, he is trying to find ways to share his awakening experience, particularly to those lost in the rat race like he was. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. The post Knowing When to Let Go of Relationships: 3 Signs It’s Time to Move On appeared first on Tiny Buddha. from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/knowing-when-to-let-go-of-relationships-3-signs-its-time-to-move-on/ So, you are a student who loves reading and writing. You write essays, reviews, and stories. It’s not a problem for you to help peers with their academic papers and you are ready to read tons of books on different topics. Wouldn’t it be great to have reading and creative writing the only subjects in school? But here come the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Physics, Economics, Chemistry, and… MATH! You wish you could fall in love with all those graphs and formulas, but merely a reference to exact sciences can set your teeth on edge. But what if I tell you that math can be exciting? More than that, it can become your favorite subject! How? Easy. Just one word: read. To be specific, read the most terrific books providing insights into the world of numbers and formulas. Once you turn to the last pages of the following books about math, you’ll never consider it boring or difficult again. 1. The Hidden Maths of Everyday Life by Jordan EllenbergQuote to think about: “A basic rule of mathematical life: if the universe hands you a hard problem, try to solve an easier one instead, and hope the simple version is close enough to the original problem that the universe doesn’t object.” Ellenberg shows how wrong you are when considering math as nothing but a dull set of rules to learn at school. Mathematics touches everything we do. It allows us to see the hidden structures underneath the chaotic surface of this world. Armed with math, you can see the true meaning of information. This book provides insights to encourage your clear thinking about different areas of life. As the author says, doing math is like being “touched by fire and bound by reason. Logic forms a narrow channel through which intuition flows with vastly augmented force.” 2. A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia NasarQuote to think about: “I’ve made the most important discovery of my life. It’s only in the mysterious equation of love that any logic or reasons can be found.” Big chances are, you’ve watched the eponymous movie already. It is a biographical story of John Nash, one of the most brilliant mathematicians and a Nobel prize winner who suffered from schizophrenia. Despite that, he was able to elaborate on the game theory underpinning a large part of economics. Sylvia Nasar describes John’s life, giving an interesting exposition of his mathematical ideas. His struggle with the disease and input in science deserve mentions and respect. 3. The Man Who Loved Only Numbers by Paul HoffmanQuote to think about: “No news is ever as good or as bad as it first seems.” This book is a kind of the biographical story of Paul Erdős, a mathematician who lived and loved nothing but his subject. It consists of Erdo˝s quotations or paraphrases, which help readers understand his care and affection with everything related to math. Paul Erdős loved to invent jokes, so you would definitely not be bored while reading the story about this interesting personality. 4. A Brief History of Time by Stephen HawkingQuote to think about: “What did God do before he created the universe?” Don’t say you never heard of the author and the book itself! First published in 1988, this work has become a classic of scientific writing already. Professor Hawking tells about the origins and nature of our universe as well as predicts its further development. Wormholes, time travels, satellites, and the fabric of space – you don’t have to be as smart in physics as a whip to get the author’s ideas. 5. Journey through Genius by William DunhamQuote to think about: “One of the genuine attractions of number theory is that conjectures simple enough to be understood by elementary school students nonetheless have been immune to the efforts of generations of the world’s best mathematicians.” If you don’t believe that math theorems can be creative, this book is your must-read. The author takes each theorem and places it within the historical context. Archimedes, Gerolamo Cardano, Georg Cantor… How did math influence geniuses? How did they prove theorems, and why did they do it after all? This work by William Dunham is a rare combination of biography, history, and math. 6. The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas TalebQuote to think about: “Missing a train is only painful if you run after it! Likewise, not matching the idea of success others expect from you is only painful if that’s what you are seeking.” A black swan is a highly improbable event: unpredictable, carrying a massive impact, and easy to explain once after it has happened. According to Taleb, black swans underlie everything about the world. But why do we not acknowledge them until after they happen? For years, the author has been studying how people fool themselves. Read his book to have a look at the black swan theory and decide whether it stands to reason. 7. Letters to a Young Mathematician by Ian StewartQuote to think about: “Unless you are genuinely interested in working with someone, don’t. It doesn’t matter how big an expert they are, or how much grant money the project would bring in. Stay away from things that do not interest you.” Ian Stewart tells what he wishes he had known when he was a student. Philosophical and practical, he described subjects, including mathematics, with reasons why it’s cool, logic with its proofs, the beauty of mathematical thinking, and many others. Written with easygoing humor, the book is worth reading by all means. Are you among those in love with math already? Do you choose numbers over words, and would you read some actionable guides rather than fiction stories? Then, your choice might be the ultimate lists of books about math to learn facts on the subject and get help with math topics. Whatever you choose, remember: There ain’t no such thing as boring subjects. There are professors who are unable to disclose the true colors of those subjects when they’re actually much richer than just black and white. The post 7 Terrific Books That Can Make You Fall In Love With Math appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/books-about-math/ If you’ve made your wife angry for some reason, you know how difficult it is to put a smile back on her face. While it’s true that each woman is different, a lot of wives like being showered with kindness and appreciation. You need to do more than just say you’re sorry. You have to let her know how much you think about her, how happy your wife makes you, and how much you value her presence. If you’re getting the cold shoulder, here are some ways to turn it around: 1. Do something amazing and lovableSearch out a special gift or throw a surprise party. Keep in mind, a beautiful flower a day keeps the quarrel at bay. This is the common and most usual technique to lift your partner’s spirits. 2. Treat her to a holidayIf your pocket can take it, she will definitely enjoy a lavish cruise in gentle waters and blonde sunshine. Propose to take her out for shopping and be openly keen on the places your wife wants to explore. If you’ve been spending too much time at work, a holiday would also benefit you. See Also: How to be a Good Husband to Make Your Life a Bed of Roses 3. Write a romantic and sweet poem or love note for herRomantic gestures don’t have to be expensive. If you can’t afford that luxury cruise, how about DIY-ing something your wife would love? Handwritten romantic love letters never go out of style. Write down your most genuine and sincere feelings and they will be sure to reach her. 4. Plan dates around her interestsIf she loves to watch movies, buy a ticket to a movie she’s been waiting to see. If she loves gourmet food, learn one recipe and try it out for a special dinner with just the two of you. Whether you succeed or not at whatever you plan, your wife will see your effort and be touched by it. 5. Be a good listenerSome women (and men) suffer from feelings of neglect. Oftentimes, all they need is to know that one person loves them wholeheartedly and listens to them. Be that person for her. When she encounters any troubles, pay attention carefully to your wife and show your concern by uttering sounds of solace. Put down your mobile phone and instead give her your 100% attention. 6. Keep your sense of humorWhen a person is angry, she might not be in the mood for jokes or humor. However, avoid clashing with her temper too as this will not yield any positive results. Instead, bide your time and know when to lighten the mood around the house. 7. Do any household chores that your wife really hatesThink of a household chore that your wife REALLY hates to do. Maybe she hates to do the laundry or do the cooking. Now start doing those for her for a couple of days. Though presents and holidays are perfect but expensive treats, consider that there other heartfelt ways to turn around your wife’s state of mind. A shower of love and affection and a truly affectionate heart is needed to make her feel happy. See Also: 10 Behaviors That are Hurting Your Wife The post 7 Ways to Make Your Angry Wife Happy appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/make-your-wife-happy/ To find your dream job, you need to invest more time and effort. Sending out resumes and cover letters won’t be enough to get you the job you’ve always wanted. Being persistent when you don’t get any response won’t help either. For an effective job search, you need a careful and well-planned strategy. If you aren’t sure how to do that, here’s a quick guide on how to find your dream job. Define your job search criteriaThe first thing that you need to define is the criteria for the job you are looking for. You need to be clear about your job priorities because it will help in focusing your research. When you know your motivations, it will be easier for you to find opportunities that are perfect for your ambitions and skills. It can be the salary, job position, or company culture. Although defining the criteria for your job search is essential, you still need to make sure that there is enough room for flexibility. If you are too rigid with your criteria, you can end up sacrificing your dream job for some mundane things. Create a list
Once you have defined the criteria that you are looking for, you need to use them to search for available jobs and make a list. Prioritize them according to their desirability and when you have a list, you’ll find it easier to organize and keep track of the jobs. Read job descriptionsWhen you are searching for a job, make sure that you read every job description. It may feel like a time-consuming activity, but it will actually save you more time in the future. When you read job descriptions, you’ll be able to know which jobs fit your skills, education, and experience. By knowing which jobs you qualify for, you’ll have more time to focus on them and you’ll spend less time on irrelevant jobs. Create an attractive resume and engaging cover letterYour resume and cover letter play an important role in getting the attention of potential employers. They are your way of introducing yourself and convincing them that you are the best candidate for the position. Instead of sending out the same resume and cover letter, create multiple versions. Make sure that you only send out resumes that speak about the requirements for the jobs you are applying for. See Also: 5 Tips To Making Your Resume Cover Letter Stand Out Activate referral networkIt is important to create a network because it will expose you to a lot of job opportunities. There are a lot of opportunities that are not advertised and if you do not have a referral network, you won’t even hear about them. You should take some time to attend conferences, events, lectures, and industry-related seminars so that you can build a good network that will keep you informed about the best positions and opportunities. When you are looking for a job, you should let people know that you are looking for employment. This way, you’ll be one of the first people they’ll think of when the hiring process begins. Finding a good job that will keep you happy and satisfied requires patience and the right strategies. Sometimes, it can take years before you can find your dream job, so be patient and consistent. With a little work and discipline, you’ll be able to get the job that will make you really happy. The post How to Find Your Dream Job: 5 Tips You Can Use Right Now appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/how-to-find-your-dream-job/ Everybody wants to be successful, sexy, and productive. However, in order to be productive, you should experience some painful mistakes. In this post, I want to share a list of 7 productivity mistakes that I’ve made over the years. First, I have to admit that every now and then I still repeat some of those mistakes. It’s better that you accept that productivity and productive life is a journey– a never-ending one. Once you acknowledge that you are on a moving train, the journey becomes more pleasurable. Although this post is kind of a reflection or self-criticism, I sincerely hope that it will help you to avoid the mistakes I’ve made over the years. #1 Not saying NoThe inability to say no is the most painful mistake you can make, at least it was for me. After reading a whole book dedicated to saying no, The Power of a Positive No by William Ury, I still struggle with it. I think it’s deeply encoded in us to escape uncomfortable situations. But we pay the price downstream. Sometimes, the price is way more painful than saying no at the right moment. Dr. Ury suggests that you encapsulate your positive no. First, say yes to your core values, then say No to the situation. Finally, say yes to the relationship. This principle doesn’t apply to managers only but it applies to everybody. As a parent, friend, colleague, boss or subordinate, you are supposed to say yes all the time, all the day, and all your life. Isn’t it better that you say no instead of blaming yourself subsequently? Isn’t it better that you’re all in instead of procrastinating and making people that trust you feel disappointed? A not-to-do list or some predefined phrases will help you to say no in unexpected situations. Keep them in your journal and revisit them regularly to ensure that you say no when it’s the only right answer. #2 Not respecting your calendarWhat gets scheduled gets done or not? One of the most common productivity advice is that you schedule important tasks and goals to get them done by all means. This can be of help, but not if you don’t respect your calendar. Treat the meeting with yourself as it was a meeting with a third party. It’s only you who can act on your most important tasks with priority. More often than not, your priorities aren’t aligned with those of other people. You schedule a one-on-one meeting with yourself to address your priorities and then your agenda gets hijacked. There’re other people’s priorities that are lurking in the shadow, waiting to fill your calendar. That has always been the way of it. So make sure that you set up boundaries for yourself and for other people. Remember to communicate them clearly. Such a boundary can be that you leave your office at a certain time each day because your family is your priority. It doesn’t mean, of course, that you can’t work later in periods of high workload. #3 MultitaskingThis is the root of all evil. The year is 2019 and it wasn’t a time in human history that would reward multitasking in a way that our current environment does: ringing phones, text messages, reminders, popups, social media, email―you name it. There’re countless studies demonstrating that multitasking will hinder your work both in terms of quality and quantity. Yet, we’re addicted to distraction and feel worthless if we’re left from unimportant messaging. So, by all means, resist the temptation to get in the loop and do one thing at a time. #4 Picking up multiple habits simultaneouslyWe’re humans and we want it all, not a piece of it! We want to be the best version of ourselves in the shortest time possible. This is why we pick up multiple habits simultaneously: go for a new diet, exercising, journaling, meditation―we want them all. But cementing a new habit takes time and discipline. Therefore, it’s best to integrate a single habit at a time. That way, you are more likely to establish it and, once cemented, you could consider picking up the next habit. #5 Skipping & switchingSkipping exercise, planning time, me-time or the weekly review comes to us naturally. They seem inferior amid the chaos of everyday life. Once, however, you realize that these are indeed meaningful activities fuelling your life, you’re one step closer to success. Switching between different methods and platforms is part of the learning curve, but not for long. Another big mistake I’ve made over the years was that I switched a couple of times back and forth between different task managers and apps. It wasn’t the cleverest use of my time and wasn’t productive either. But nevertheless, I learned the lesson and I would always remind myself of that experience whenever new apps come to the scene. #6 OverplanningI’ve been a big over-planner. I diligently assembled my life plan and my goals, planned big projects in mind maps, and spent way too much time on the nitty-gritty details of my blog. Planning is a very important part of the process. However, if you won’t take action, it’s going to be worthless. It’s a good practice to set up boundaries for yourself to ensure that you won’t spend too much time on planning and designing. You won’t consider more than, say, three options, and you won’t postpone your project launch just because it’s not perfect yet. I know it’s hard as I consider myself a perfectionist, too. I would take enormous efforts to get the best results, but there’re times when a five percent increase in value isn’t worth the price. That’s why I learned to let things go. #7 Exaggerating the importance of productivityWhen you begin to apply productivity to your life and work, it can be seductive. It’s kind of an addiction that can cause more harm than good if you don’t keep it under control. Don’t take productivity advice so seriously and don’t take me seriously, either. Give it a go, experiment, and find out whether it works or not. If not, reject the idea or customize. To shed some more light to what I mean, let me explain my story. Galvanized by the habits of successful people, I always wanted to integrate exercise into my morning routine. I’d plan and schedule it a couple of times but always failed. And when I finally pushed myself to go to the gym in the early morning, it simply didn’t work. I would exercise in the evening because that perfectly fits my schedule. Why should I change my routine then? Productivity is a journey and it has countless stations. When you arrive from A to B, you can pause and reflect. Never regret if something doesn’t work for you, but make sure that you experiment as much as you can. ConclusionThat’s it. We’re nearing the end of this post and I want to emphasize a few things: 1. Experiment, experiment, and experiment. There’s only one man on the planet who knows what’s good for you and that is you. The post 7 Mistakes People Make Under the Umbrella of Productivity appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/productivity-mistakes/ “The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go.” ~Dodinsky It hit me as I cruised along at full speed on a busy motorway on my way to a friend’s house. Shaking like a leaf, I pulled myself out of the car and stood by the side of the road. I desperately gulped in the fresh air, a frantic attempt at calming myself down. This was the ninth day in a row I’d experienced a wave of panic so intense, it felt like I was about to die. It was utterly unbearable. I’d been worrying about all the work I had left to do on my Master’s dissertation and berating myself for taking a day off to spend time with friends when I should have been working. All of a sudden, my throat closed up, my chest tightened, and my hands shook so much that I was convinced I would lose control of the car. This was the final straw. I’d been waiting for a magic solution, a miraculous savior, a quick fix that would snap me out of my near-constant state of worry. I’d been waiting for the universe to wave its wand and finally grant me a normal life. It wasn’t happening. I wasn’t willing to face up to the work I needed to do in order to stop indulging in my bleak hypothetical predictions about the future. And more importantly, I didn’t even know what the work was. But that day, I made the decision to find the key to a happy life and to start putting in some serious elbow grease. I just couldn’t live like that any longer. That was three years ago. What You Practice, You Get Good AtThe problem is, for a very long time, I practiced worrying. About everything. I worried about what people thought about me. I worried about what might happen to my health. I worried about whether I would have the career I wanted. I also practiced managing this worry, and the myriad of unpleasant emotions that accompanied it, with food, alcohol, and sex. I used substances (and other people’s bodies) to make myself feel good, to take my mind somewhere else, and to give myself a moment to relax. But underneath, the worry was still there; these “fixes” just masked it. Instead of paying attention to what was actually going on in my head and realizing that my thoughts were creating a reality that didn’t actually exist, I practiced covering up my desperation, hoping that this fix would be the one that actually worked. I was constantly feeding habits that gave me short-term satisfaction or relief, that I knew were ultimately destructive. And I know I’m not the only one. Many of us spend our days acting mostly out of habit—the foods we eat for breakfast, the route we take to work, even the thoughts we entertain. These become the actions we practice, over and over again. And what we practice, we get good at. What Do You Practice?Here’s a little something to reflect on: What habits are currently running your life? What thoughts do you think every single day? And are these serving you, or not? We might not think of habits as a practice, but that’s exactly what they are. Each and every day, we’re practicing being the type of person we want to be, whether we realize it or not. My anxiety, despite being a very real (and often terrifying) experience for me, was a habit. I was practicing being the type of person who was constantly stressed out and worried about everything. Nowadays, however, I practice being the type of person who recognizes these thoughts, knows her limits, takes care of herself, and makes a different choice each time her old pal worry comes out to play. Think about it:
The answer is likely: a lot. We’re experts at this stuff. After all, the key to mastering any skill is repetition; if we repeat a specific action enough, eventually we’ll gain fluency and competency at it. This is why the true secret to happiness lies in our daily habits rather than in the “magic fixes” we often think will make us happy. Daily Practices for a Happier LifeSo what if we became conscious of the habits that are running our lives and switched them on their head? What if we started practicing things we actually wanted to get better at? And what if, instead of making it some huge, life-changing mission, we simply set the intention to live this way, making small steps toward it wherever we could? Remember: What we practice, we get good at. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions for habits we could start practicing daily in order to live a happier life:
The way these look in our lives will be different for everyone, but the intention behind them is the same—to notice our destructive habits and to make a different choice. Personally, I’ve found three super effective ways to start bringing new practices into our lives. 1. Notice your autopilot.We have to recognize our habitual autopilot mode in order to do something about it. Becoming aware of the way we live our daily life—the choices we make, the people we surround ourselves with, and the stories we tell ourselves—helps us to remember who we really are and what we really want. It also helps us make more conscious decisions about how we act so that we choose our response rather than react out of habit. The best way to do this is to first make a list of all the times you already know you tend to slip into autopilot. For example, you might recognize that you frequently spend your lunch break scrolling through Facebook, and then you feel bad about yourself after comparing yourself to other people. Or, you might notice you regularly worry about worst-case scenarios when you’re lying in bed at night. Once you’re aware of what you’re doing, you can commit to making a different choice the next time you’re in that situation, practicing a habit that doesn’t serve you. I have to be honest here. This takes time. In the beginning, it was difficult for me to recognize when my “worry” head was on because it felt so natural to me. But once I started paying more attention to my habitual thoughts and behaviors, I found it much easier to switch the script in those moments and instead practice some deep breathing to relax myself. Action step: Take a moment to think about the times you already know your habitual autopilot-self takes over. What could you do to in those moments to break that pattern, re-engage with the world, and make a different choice? Remember: What we practice, we get good at. 2. Focus on your physical sensations.Another great way to practice new habits is to focus on how they make us feel in our bodies. I like to think of this in terms of openness (expansion) and tightness (contraction). I usually feel pretty open and soft in my heart space when I practice kindness, for example, and tight and tense in my belly when I practice being rude. Our sense of expansion or contraction in our body can act as an “mindful shortcut,” giving us an easy way to determine what might be going on in our heads. If we focus on how we physically feel in our bodies and the sensations our habits bring up for us, we can really start to distinguish between the ones that currently serve us and the ones that definitely don’t. Since our physical sensations often directly relate to our emotional experience, it’ll also provide us with a little motivation to continue practicing the things that make us feel expanded. The issue most of us run into here is that we mostly walk around feeling completely out of touch with our bodies. In fact, it wasn’t until I really started to dive deep into yoga that I realized my body was constantly giving me important signals—and I was totally ignoring them. The best way to begin observing your body is to sit in stillness and just notice your bodily experience, even if you start with just a few moments a day. The more you “check in” with your body, the more you’ll be able to tune in to what it’s trying to tell you. When I started paying attention to my body, I noticed how different thoughts affected me in completely different ways. My worry made my body feel tight, tense, and achy, for example, whereas calm thoughts made my body feel soft, relaxed, and open. This helped draw my attention to my worrisome thoughts and choose to focus on my breathing in the present moment instead of on my “faux” reality. Action step: Start your day by asking yourself one of these questions:
Then check in with yourself regularly throughout the day (setting up a reminder on your phone helps!) to observe how your body’s feeling. Pay particular attention to your heart, solar plexus, and belly areas. Is there a sense of expansion or contraction? Does this align with how you want to feel? What are you currently practicing? And does this align with what you want to practice? Remember: What we practice, we get good at. 3. Set an intention.We can also practice new habits by simply affirming to ourselves that it’s our intention to practice them. Intentions are perfect because they’re designed to be a guideline rather than a goal. With goals, it’s far too easy to beat ourselves up if we don’t reach them, but with an intention, we can just start over again. If we set an intention to be kind, or compassionate, or generous in the morning, we’re also far more likely to jump at opportunities to practice this as we move through our day. It helps us make decisions that are more aligned with the people we want to be, since our intention will still be fresh in our mind. For example, I’ve recently been setting an intention to practice forgiveness. I realized that I’d been holding on to so much resentment, anger, and blame toward myself (and others) about my anxiety. I felt so much rage about my past—the years I’d spent constantly trying to please other people at the expense of my own needs; my first boyfriend’s extremely controlling behavior, which left me feeling utterly weak; and the pressure I’d felt growing up to be “perfect.” So every morning I listen to a forgiveness meditation, which includes repeating to myself, “I see and feel the pain you’ve caused me, and it’s my intention to forgive you.” Then, as I’m about to go into my day, I remind myself that it’s my intention to continue to practice forgiveness. Have I forgiven everyone (or myself) yet? No. But that’s beside the point. The point is that every single day, I’m practicing. Action step: Decide on at least one new habit you’d like to start practicing. How can you set this intention for yourself each day? How can you remind yourself of this intention when you go off track? Remember: What we practice, we get good at. About Becki SamsBecki Sams is a freelance writer, blogger, and personal development nerd. As a trained mindfulness meditation teacher and hardcore yogi, she’s passionate about anything that helps us all live more blissful lives, look after one another, and nurture this planet we call home. Subscribe to her email list for your free stress melt meditation and Unplug, Unwind & Recharge e-book. Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site. The post The Secret To A Happy Life Is Hidden In Your Daily Habits appeared first on Tiny Buddha. from https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-secret-to-a-happy-life-is-hidden-in-your-daily-habits/ According to FBI crime statistics, there were an estimated 7,694,086 property crimes nationwide with losses of $15.3 billion in 2017. Though you certainly don’t want your home to become the next target of potential thieves, sometimes you might be unwittingly inviting burglars into your home and putting your property (your family as well) at risk. To avoid ending up in a low-hanging fruit in the eyes of intruders, make sure you’re away from these 8 home security mistakes: Unlocked doors, windows, and other entrancesThe shocking fact is that 32% of homeowners leave a window open and 13% leave a door unlocked. This offers a great opportunity for thieves to sneak into your home without alerting your neighbors. So, take a few seconds before you leave home to double check all your doors, windows, and other entry points. And don’t forget about your storage shed, basement or garage as well! No lights on at nightA dark home at night can be a clear sign that your house is vacant. Instead of turning all your lights on when you’re away from home (smart burglars will easily see through this trick), it’s better to install timers on interior lamps. That way, you can create an appearance that the house is occupied. Uncollected mails, newspapers, and packagesIf you plan to go away for a vacation or on a business trip, ask a reliable neighbor, friend or family member to pick up your mails, newspapers, and packages in advance. You may request the post office to hold your mails and ask the newsagent to stop delivering your papers until you come back home. Leaving ladders and tools outLeaving a ladder, hammer, saw and other tools in open areas is practically inviting trouble for yourself. Once these fall into the hands of burglars, the next thing you can expect, without any doubt, would be forced entry into your home. Place your tools in your garage or basement after use. Also, make sure that your basement and garage are well locked. Untrimmed bushes and landscapeOvergrown bushes not only provide ideal shelter for burglars to hide when casing your house but also indicate that you have been away for a long time. It might lure burglars into your home. Trim the bushes and mow your lawn regularly to make sure no one can hide in it. If you’re going away for a long period of time, hire someone to attend to the landscape during your absence. Displaying valuable items in plain viewAre you leaving your garden furniture and lawn decorations in plain sight? Or do you just throw away the box of your brand-new TV or computer on the curb? Watch out! Thieves select homes to break into by taking note of boxes curbed as trash, especially during holiday seasons. A safer way to dispose of the trashes for valuables is to cut them up and toss them in the trash can. Leaving spare keys under carpet/stonesYou might think it is a great idea to hide your spare keys under the carpet or stones but never underestimate the burglars. They’re good at hide-and-seek games. Doormats, flowerpots, mailboxes, and stones are normally the first places smart thieves would search for. If you’re afraid that you might be locked out, give a set of keys to a trustworthy family member or your friend. Showing off on social mediaIt is understandable that you love to share a memorable experience during a trip on social media. But take heed, posting your vacation details on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram is basically announcing to the burglars that your home is unoccupied and free to break into. So instead of posting your real-time vacation moments, wait until you come back home to share the photos online. See Also: Home Security: Try These 10 Ways to Make Your Home Safer – Without a Gun The post 8 Ways You’re Actually Inviting Burglars Into Your Home appeared first on Dumb Little Man. from https://www.dumblittleman.com/home-security-mistakes/ |
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