Is your relationship worth fighting for? Is the stress of the struggle worth it?
If you are currently in a romantic relationship or marriage and you’re having doubts about whether to fight for it or not, there are a few ways to tell.
Here are 5 signs that you can put away the white flag and salvage your relationship.
You Mean It When You Say, “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
Yes, this phrase is one of the most cliché break-up excuses. Cliché or not, looking at your own, personal intimacy issues can provide great insight into your current relationship.
Maybe your issues have nothing to do with the love and companionship your partner offers. Maybe it has something to do with your own emotional baggage.
Are you seeing a pattern in your relationship turmoil? Are the same issues that ended your last relationship haunting this one?
What’s the common denominator?
Yep, you guessed it right – it’s you.
Though I’m painting a pretty dismal picture, all hope is not lost.
If the only problems plaguing your current relationship are deeply rooted in your own insecurities, the first step is to acknowledge them. Take a step back and examine how these personality traits are affecting your relationship. You’d be surprised to see how a few slight changes to your state of mind, communication tactics or displays of affection can change things for the better.
You’re Willing to Put in the Work
Do thoughts of attending a couples retreat or counseling turn your stomach? Do your palms get sweaty and blood pressure rise when you and your loved one are left in a room together?
If working to save your relationship sounds like too much work, then it’s probably time to move on.
But if you can clearly see salvageable pieces of your broken puzzle or if you can still easily name at least five admirable qualities about your partner, there may be hope.
So, make a list and include pros and cons of you two as a couple and your partner individually. You might be surprised to discover that one awesome ‘pro’ can actually outweigh a long list of ‘cons’ or the other way around.
If you’re willing to work things out, then the relationship is definitely worth fighting for.
The Thought of Ending Things Makes You Sick
Maybe it’s jealousy. Maybe it’s possessiveness.
Whatever it is, if the thought of your partner moving on or moving out turns your stomach, then you’re probably not ready to end things.
Ending a toxic relationship usually leaves you with a feeling of freedom, release, and peace of mind. All these feelings are a good indication that you made the right decision.
Sleepless nights and conflicted emotions, on the other hand, mean the opposite. If your heart and mind are torn over whether to end things, you should probably give it another shot.
There’s no worse feeling in this world than regret. Avoid the “what if” by giving things another try.
You Only Threaten to Break Up When You’re Mad
We all say things when we’re mad and sometimes, it can get ugly. You blurt out things you later wish you could take back.
Often times, people use idle threats and make empty promises in the heat of an argument.
Have you ever threatened to leave only to go around the corner for a beer and return home after cooling off? Or promised to never name call again only to forget your promise during the very next fight?
If the only time you can think of leaving your partner or ending the relationship is when you’re angry or high on adrenaline, then it’s likely an irrational and superficial emotion. This means you should pause for further consideration.
You Can Imagine a Future Together
People say things like “I can’t live without you”, but do they really mean it?
If you can’t imagine your life without your partner, then you have a great foundation to work with.
When you have a solid relationship, talking about the future is important.
Some people depend their life plans on their partners. They will plan their life, career choices, and thoughts about kids based on their significant others.
For you, do your long-term goals all include your partner? Can you not imagine purchasing a home or growing old with anyone else? Even when times are tough and the two of you can’t seem to get on the same page, do you still foresee a future together?
If your answer is yes, then the two of you should be willing to work through whatever issues you are having.
Now that you know that your romantic relationship is worth saving, you can take the necessary steps.
Keep the lines of communication and your mind open. Try not to go on the defensive when your partner expresses concern or worry about your relationship status. Don’t jump the gun and call things off at the first sign of trouble.
Yes, relationships take work but if it’s a relationship worth saving, it will feel less like work and more like an investment in your future.
The post 5 Signs Your Romantic Relationship Is Worth Fighting For appeared first on Dumb Little Man.
“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown
You can`t take it anymore. Life’s getting boring, you fight over everything, your relationship has lost its spark, and you can’t look each other in the eye without feeling regret. Many marriages and relationships get to this place eventually.
According to recent surveys, one of every two American couples gets a divorce. This means you only have a 50 percent chance at making your relationship work, no matter how well it began. The only way you can turn things around is by making some changes in how you interact.
According to experts, these are the top eight tips that, if followed, will give your relationship a fresh breath of air. I’m not married, but I’ve applied these tips in my romantic relationship, and it’s gotten a lot stronger as a result.
1. Understand that there are usually issues behind every fight.
Most of my past arguments with my girlfriend weren’t about money, but they usually happened when I was struggling financially because I was feeling bad about myself.
In the past, any time my girlfriend I talked about finances, I would use aggression and humor to protect my ego and deflect the conversation elsewhere because I felt inferior.
It wasn`t about her, but I made her think it was. So yes, at many times, it`s not about you. It’s your partner being angry—even at themselves—that is causing problems.
What to do then? Ask them questions to help them get to the root of what’s really bothering them. If they have the self-awareness to identify what’s going on and they choose to share that with you, let them know you understand their feelings and agree to talk through this issue when they`re ready.
It can be hard to be understanding and to not take things personally when someone gets upset or accusatory, but this is the most helpful thing you can do. And they will likely remember this later when the same thing happens to you.
2. Avoid the “The Four Horsemen.”
According to John Gottman, a marriage coach and bestselling author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, there are four signs to whether a couple will separate or stay together. Gottman calls them The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Avoid these horsemen and your relationship will be a lot more connected and peaceful.
3. Cope most of the time, change some of the time.
One thing that bothers my girlfriend is that I don’t talk when I have a problem—I mean zero talk, desert-like silence. It sometimes annoys me that my girlfriend is usually late to work and always leaves a mess behind her. But we no longer fight about both of these things. We know it’s energy consuming and that no one changes because of nagging, so we’ve learned to cope.
She gives me my space when I’m not ready to open up about my issues, and I don`t mind spending an extra ten minutes each morning cleaning after her.
After forty years of coaching thousands of couples, Gottman reached the conclusion that you can never change a partner, no matter how hard you try. According to him, most couple disagreements are caused by deeply rooted personality traits and values that rarely change.
The solution here is to cope with your differences, avoid situations that worsen them, and develop strategies to maneuver them.
4. Emotional Intelligence 101: Name that emotion.
Studies show that emotionally intelligent people have happy relationships because they’re able to defuse conflicts with minimal or no damage.
Researchers found that the best way to both increase emotional intelligence and settle a fight is by being able to name out loud the emotion your partner is feeling at the moment.
You’re not a psychic, I understand, but most of the time you’ll be able to tell what they’re feeling or why they’re angry with you. Translating this understanding into phrases like: “I know you’re angry,” “It feels sad, I know,” or “I bet you’re worried,” will lessen that emotion intensity and potentially prevent fights.
In her book How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain, psychologist Lisa Feldman writes:
“If you could distinguish finer meanings within ‘Awesome’ (happy, content, thrilled, relaxed, joyful, hopeful, inspired, prideful, adoring, grateful, blissful), and fifty shades of “Crappy” (angry, aggravated, alarmed, spiteful, grumpy, remorseful, gloomy, mortified, uneasy, dread-ridden, resentful, afraid, envious, woeful, melancholy…), your brain would have many more options for predicting, categorizing, and perceiving emotion, providing you with the tools for more flexible and functional responses.”
The next time you want someone to feel less tense, show that you understand their experience by naming what you think they’re feeling, be it anger, frustration, fear, or something else. You may not identify exactly what’s in their heart, but you’ll likely disarm them by showing you’re trying to understand and empathize with their feelings.
5. Take responsibility for your part.
Blaming is the quickest way to turn a small conflict into a fight. According to Gottman, couples who stay together longer don’t blame, but rather share equal responsibility over conflicts.
They use phrases like, “This isn’t completely your fault; I know that part of this is me” in order to soften things between them. Thus they’re more likely to end conflicts peacefully.
When I was struggling financially after quitting my job, I didn’t want anyone else to know, especially my family, since I’d already rejected a prosperous career in engineering to do marketing.
I felt bad when I knew my girlfriend had told my parents on the phone, and I was tempted to get angry. But then I realized I shared part of the responsibility because I hadn’t made it clear that she shouldn’t tell anybody, and she realized she should’ve asked me before sharing this information with others.
6. Help when you can, even when it’s not your turn.
When you count favors, you turn your relationship into a game, and in games there’s only one winner. If you can help with something, do it, even if it’s not yours to do. In other words: Help when you can, not when it’s your turn.
See some dirty mugs while waiting for coffee to brew? Wash them. Going out? Take the trash with you. She’s sleeping like a zombie and the baby is crying? Change his diaper; don`t wake her up.
These little things matter, and many partners appreciate them and will repay the favor by doing the same for you. Of course, there are times when relationships get unbalanced and you may realize you’re being taken for granted. But so long as there’s equal give and take overall in your relationship, it serves you both to stop keeping score and to help whenever you can.
7. End the day on a positive note.
Among fifty activities couples should do to build intimacy, Gottman puts reuniting as his most important choice. He recommends that couples reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. This will settle lingering conflicts and help them end the day on a positive note.
8. One good thing per day.
Darren Hardy, founder of Success Magazine, does this every day and swears by it. He simply writes one thing he appreciates about his wife that day, be it how she looked, what she said, or how she made him feel. Hardy recalls the nicely wrapped notebook, with one year worth of notes, he gave to his wife as her most-favored birthday gift.
Taking notes works because it`s another form of gratitude which, according to studies, makes you happy and attract positive things in life. This will also help you see your partner is a more positive light instead of focusing on their negative side.
Finally, it takes determination.
Like any good thing in life, you have to invest big time to make a promising relationship work. You will have to let go of your ego and learn when to admit you`re wrong, when to be flexible, and when to stand up for yourself. It may be take a lot of effort to turn things around, but it’s well worth it.
About Marwan Jamal
MJ is a fitness and health blogger at healthline.com and a great fan of the gym and a healthy diet. He follows the trends in fitness, gym, and healthy life and loves to share his knowledge through useful and informative articles.
The post How to Keep Your Marriage or Relationship Strong and Beat the Statistics appeared first on Tiny Buddha.
Whether you were expecting it, initiating it or it just came out of the blue, handling a break-up like a man can be really difficult. It doesn’t matter if it’s the best thing for you or if you cared about her at all, there is going to be pain when things are over.
So, is coping really different for men than for women?
Well, the answer to that is yes and no.
Emotions are emotions and recognizing how you are feeling is important. If you try to ignore your feelings, then they are likely to surface somewhere else and become destructive.
To help you cope with a breakup, below are some tips to get you through the hard times.
Do not try drowning your sorrows
You hear stories all the time of men crying and drinking alcohol just to forget. Skip this technique. Alcohol is a depressant and is far from lifting your spirits. It is more likely to make you feel worse both physically and emotionally.
And with impaired judgment, you’ll be at a higher risk of getting involved in destructive behaviors. Drunken one-night-stands or emotionally driven bar brawls will not get you through a breakup.
Consider getting back to the gym
Or if you are already there, consider taking on a new challenge. Training for a half-marathon or setting a new goal for bench press can provide a healthy physical outlet for your anxiety and emotional stress. Being physically active is also a great way to clear your head. So, drag your sad self into the gym.
Don’t start booty calling through your contact list
Really, this is a pathway to trouble on many levels. In most cases, women are looking for more than an hour of your time and after a breakup, you are not likely to be in the condition for that.
And there’s a long list of negative consequences when it comes to jumping in and out of bed with people. The last thing you want is to need an antibiotic or to be researching the latest in crib features.
Spend time with friends
Guy friends, couple friends or a female friend – anyone who cares about you and that you enjoy being with is a good bet during this time. You may feel like you would rather be alone but override that desire and spend time with people. You don’t have to get too involved in discussing your feelings with them.
Let yourself have a good cry
It goes against all masculinity rules but crying is a natural response to sadness and can be very cathartic. You don’t need to do this in front of other people.
Don’t give in to the desire to text and call repeatedly
That nagging inclination to call or text your ex will always be there.
Maybe the break-up was a mistake, right? If you could just talk it out, maybe things will be fine again.
You broke up for a reason and whether it was the right reason or the wrong one, you both need some time to gain perspective. Repeatedly calling will not make things better. In fact, it can make things worse.
Take care of yourself
Many people experience physical symptoms associated with intense emotions. Some people can’t eat, feel physically ill or can’t sleep. Others overeat, abuse alcohol or other substances or sleep all the time. None of these are healthy options.
Try to ensure you have the right nutrition and make sure you get 7 to 8 hours of sleep at night.
Very few of us get through life without a heartbreak. If you have ever loved someone, then you have taken the risk of getting your heart broken through a breakup. Try and remember that everything will be alright in time. While that time is passing, you need to do what you can to ensure you are ready when your next opportunity for love comes around.
Polite kids are a joy, aren’t they?
Welcomed anywhere. Praised and held up as role models for their less polite peers. “Please” and “thank you” rolling off their well-behaved tongues.
Like learning the alphabet and counting, saying thank you and please are embedded in most children’s vocabulary very early on.
What a shame!
Now, hear me out…
The Politest Little Girl in the World
My parents were sticklers for good manners. I was taught to ask politely for everything and to thank everyone every time.
And I have to admit, being courteous got me to a lot of places.
But I missed out on something fabulous until I was way beyond thirty. I lost years of profound joy, contentment, and peace of mind. I innocently overlooked most of my blessings.
Because being thankful stopped at saying ‘thank you’.
After those words have been said, my thoughts moved on. My heart and emotions never got involved.
Childhood birthdays and Christmas were amazing. I got a lot of lovely gifts from relatives and friends of the family. I ended up getting almost everything I’ve been ogling in shops for months and months.
And I’d dutifully write my thank you letters, always including how much I loved playing with, wearing or reading their gift. After getting my letters in the post box, my job was done and so was my joy.
All my good fortune, all the love and thought poured into making those celebrations so special escaped me.
You see, like so many children, I was taught to say ‘thank you’. By the time I became an adult, it had just become another phrase to trot out.
And I missed out on the true meaning of gratitude.
What It Means To Be Truly Thankful
Now, I finally understand the magnitude of gratitude, its far-reaching effects, and benefits to all of us. And oh boy, am I grateful I found it.
Rather than teaching me to say ‘thank you’, I wish my parents had explained to me what being grateful and thankful truly meant. Now I understand what it really means:
All the great people and good things in my life- what an immense difference they make every day. By running over how lucky I am that they’re a part of my world, I feel safe, loved, and comforted.
All the good fortune I have that others aren’t lucky enough to have. What a very different and difficult story my life could have been without those blessings. Recognizing that makes me feel optimistic and compassionate in equal measure.
All the kindness, advice, and experience I encounter make a huge impact on the way my life pans out. What a difficult time I would be having if I was left on my own. Acknowledging that makes me feel secure and watched over.
All the freedom and opportunities that I have make my life unconditional and interesting. How oppressive and fraught with frustration my days could have turned out otherwise. Valuing that makes me feel carefree and confident that I’ll choose the correct path, even if I have to back up every once in a while.
All the positive abilities, achievements, and qualities of others that bump into my life make it so much easier. What a narrow line I’d be walking without them. Respecting that makes me feel at ease that we’re all in this great life together.
All the great ideas, generosity, and positivity others share with me make my world a better place to live in. Sharing that with others makes me feel I’m playing a valuable part in this great, global community.
All the pleasurable and fun things that bounce into my life make my days light and more enjoyable. What an endless trudge it could be otherwise. Knowing that all of those things are on offer makes me feel happy, satisfied, and recharged enough to keep on going.
My days were very thin before I discovered gratitude. Looking back, it seems like I was simply skating on the surface of what my life could have been. All these amazing, positive feelings that I now treasure would have been missed.
Saying thank you is not the same as feeling it.
Being truly thankful is an amazing experience. It adds a whole extra dimension to every day. It makes the ordinary extraordinary.
What will you share with your children?
None of us need a bunch of rude little monsters roaming through our days. No thanks!
Rather than telling your kids to be thankful, explain to them why they should be thankful.
And instead of telling them to be grateful, explain why.
Better still, show them.
The post Why You Should Never Tell Your Kids To Say Thank You appeared first on Dumb Little Man.
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” ~Maya Angelou
I’ve always had a complex relationship with anger.
When I was young, I used to think I was somehow above anger. I would brag to people that I never got mad. Sure, I’d admit, I hated some people, but at least I wasn’t angry.
When I began therapy in my mid-twenties to deal with persistent depression and panic attacks, I started to see the feebleness of that particular story. I did get angry, it turned out, quite frequently, and I found that things went much better when I allowed myself to feel it.
I began to learn that my anger often contained useful information about me and what I wanted.
It alerted me to the fact that one of my boundaries had been crossed, or that there was something I wanted to speak up about. It let me know when I felt hurt. I saw how my closest relationships could allow for anger without falling apart, and I began to accept it as a normal part of the human condition, perhaps even a helpful one.
Still, as I perused self-help books and blogs and learned from spiritual teachers, I read about the dangers of anger over and over again.
It’s the enemy of nonviolence, Gandhi said. The Dalai Lama once asserted that it’s the main destroyer of a peaceful mind. Even the Buddha is quoted as saying that holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
So I asked myself: Was it better to try to quell anger, or embrace it?
A Life-Changing Distinction
I muddled through as best I could, hedging my bets and working to accept anger without amplifying its flames, until I began going to a local meditation class where the emphasis was on moving energy.
The meditation is based on a blend of Buddhist and Taoist practices. In addition to developing mindfulness, we’re encouraged to notice the energy within us—whether emotional or spiritual—and let it move through us. We do this by noticing the physical sensations of the energy and then following their lead, either by making noise, moving our bodies, or simply observing with nonjudgmental awareness and presence.
One day a fellow participant asked the teacher how to handle the large amount of angry energy she was feeling.
“Move the energy of the anger,” my teacher said. “It’s not good or bad; it’s just what wants to happen. When you make space for the energy and allow it to move through you, it transforms you. Just don’t get caught up in its story.”
I’d never heard anybody separate the story of anger from its energy before, but the distinction helped me a lot.
I realized that when I feel the first flush of anger, I often come up with a story: Things shouldn’t be this way. He shouldn’t have done that. It’s her fault I’m feeling bad.
Stories are about assigning blame, making people right or wrong, and moving into better than/worse than. They’re not so helpful. I realized that it’s anger’s story, not its energy, that “burns” us.
Anger’s energy is neutral. It doesn’t seek to blame or make anybody right or wrong. When I feel anger in my body, I feel a burning sensation, a warmth, and a flow of intense energy. That’s it. It actually reconnects me to the strength in my core and reminds me that I’m powerful, capable, and alive.
Hearing a Hidden Message
It was while moving the energy of anger that I first heard its hidden message.
Someone—a Very Important Person in my life—accused me of treating him poorly and having less-than-stellar intentions. I don’t remember his exact words, but I do recall that they implied I had been deliberately inconsiderate, selfish, and hurtful.
I was outraged and began to tell a story. Why couldn’t he see my good intentions? It wasn’t fair; I was doing my best. He was being unreasonable, hurtful, and cruel.
Fortunately, I knew enough to leave the conversation as soon as I realized I was triggered and go somewhere where I could move the energy. As I was feeling the burning heat of the anger, I realized that I was making the same movement over and over with my arms; pushing them out and away from my chest, I looked like I was trying to shove something away from myself.
Suddenly it occurred to me: What I was trying to push away were the judgments, accusations, and negative opinions of my Very Important Person. It was almost like I was trying to set a physical boundary so that they wouldn’t penetrate my own being or take root in how I viewed myself.
That’s when I realized that the energy of anger was trying to prevent me from internalizing my loved one’s criticism.
An Inexhaustible Well of Strength
As I kept pushing the negative opinions away from myself mentally and physically, I began to feel a sense of strength. I realized that I had a choice: I don’t have to take on anybody else’s judgments. I can choose to hold my own truth, one that sees the goodness in myself and everyone else, and I can act based on what feels right to me.
Along with the sense of strength came a sense of immensity. It was like all the criticism and accusations had felt so huge and crushing just moments earlier because I had forgotten how big I was. Once I stood up to my full height, they seemed more like mosquitoes biting at my ankles.
Feeling my own power and size again, I realized that I was free to say what I needed to say, no matter how difficult, without fear of how he responded. His thoughts and feelings couldn’t hurt me, after all. For someone like me with codependent tendencies who often cares too much about the opinions and expectations of others, this was pretty revolutionary.
And then the most amazing thing happened. The anger burned itself right out.
I believe this is because when I’m connected with my own power, I can advocate for and take care of myself. When I see clearly who I really am, nothing can threaten my sense of myself as a good person. Others have no real power over me.
As a result, there’s no need for the anger, no need to either defend or attack, and no need to make my loved one wrong. After all, he’s really only trying to take care of himself in the best way he knows how, and no matter what he does, I have options in terms of how I choose to respond.
All of this allowed me to go back to my Very Important Person, apologize for where I had been unskillful, express compassion for his suffering without taking responsibility for it, and let him know how the way he had communicated affected me. I was able to make a request about how he communicates with me when he’s upset.
Afterward, we both understood each other better, and though it didn’t resolve the issue then and there, it did lay a foundation for finding resolution in the future.
The Great Gift of Anger
Anger is a perfect example of something that’s both/and, not either/or. It can be incredibly destructive if we pay too much attention to its story, and it’s also a healing and transformative force.
It arises from a misunderstanding—that what I want and need is at the mercy of others—and it also contains within it the key to breaking free from that misconception.
Anger arises when I forget that I already have everything I need within me (and by now I’m aware enough to recognize that this happens on a daily basis). I now see it as a fiercely loving force. It wants me to reconnect to my strength and size. It wants me to transform. It wants me to take back the power that is mine to treat myself with love and respect.
It does its job by persisting until I am reminded of who I really am. I do mine by letting go of my small story long enough to hear its higher message.
About Meredith Walters
Meredith Walters loves to help people who are still unsure what they’re meant to do in the world find their calling, forge their own path, and discover the hero within. Click here to get a free guide with 50 practical ideas, resources, and exercises to help you find your calling without losing your mind (or your shirt).
The 21st century is the Golden Age of Exercise. Never before has there been such a keen fixation with being fit. People go crazy over yoga, spin class, the treadmill, the elliptical, and the good old jogging/running.
While the significance of exercise can’t be over-emphasized, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Research has shown that overtraining syndrome or engaging in too much exercise does indeed have significant side effects.
Too much exercise puts those who exercise for more than two hours at risk of getting Multiple Sclerosis (MS). According to the Alimentary Pharmacology & Therapeutics Sports Journal, too much stress on the body, such as engaging in strenuous exercises, can actually cause the Leaky Gut Syndrome.
It weakens the lining of the gut, leading to the entry of germs into the bloodstream. This poisoning is a major cause of MS and a host of other illnesses.
Multiple Sclerosis has been known to bind people to wheelchairs for the rest of their lives and it would be somehow ironic to lose your mobility because you couldn’t keep your legs off the treadmill.
Abnormal heart rhythm
Another side effect of overtraining syndrome is the occurrence of arrhythmia or abnormal heart rhythms. Research suggests that excessive endurance exercises can cause changes in the heart muscles. These changes expose athletes to arrhythmia that increases the risk of cardiac death.
This is a sharp warning to those who self-righteously think that only smokers and drug addicts are at risk of arrhythmia. If your resting heart rate has increased by more than five beats per minute, you might want to pick the sofa over the treadmill. Your heart will thank you for it.
See Also: 10 Habits That Can Prevent Heart Disease
Weak immune system
It is a well-known fact that exercise makes one stronger. However, too much exercise does the opposite.
During exercise, a hormone called cortisone is produced. This hormone is essentially beneficial to athletes as it decreases swelling, stimulates gluconeogenesis, and increases the breakdown of protein in the liver. Unfortunately, it’s also immunosuppressive, which means that it can make athletes more prone to getting sick because of a weakened immune system
Research suggests that overproduction of cortisol interferes with bone building.
When the hormone is in the bloodstream, there is more bone tissue being broken down than being deposited. This explains why people who are over-exerting themselves are more at risk of getting fractures. Moreover, as bone density decreases, conditions such as arthritis and osteoporosis are more likely to happen.
Ill mental health
Exercising has been known to release the feel-good hormone dopamine. It’s one of the reasons why athletes keep going back to the gym.
Overtraining, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. It releases the same biochemical markers as those diagnosed with clinical depression. In addition to that, athletes who overtrain can also experience apathy, irritation, and hostility, which are similar symptoms of clinically depressed people.
Too much exercise can also affect a person’s sleeping habits. People who overtrain experience insomnia at night. They may also find themselves extremely tired during the day and feel sleepy. This can definitely affect your productivity at work.
Less common but equally troubling is the effect of overtraining on people’s eating habits.
Most people exercise as a way to lose weight. And while normal exercise routines do deliver intended results, those that overtrain become prone to eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. One good reason is the false belief of people that consuming food would only get in the way of them achieving the body they want.
While health and fitness remain key reasons why many choose to exercise, the biggest reason is still aesthetics. With images of toned arms, firm thighs, sculpted calves, and rock-hard abs continue to be in demand, who wouldn’t feel motivated to exercise?
For as long as the standards of beauty are this high, people will continue to get their sweat on. It is important, however, to keep track of how much pressure we are putting on our bodies so that we can avoid the side effects listed above.
Stress that builds over time can lead to burn out. Once you have it, you’ll have a hard time doing your best at work and this can affect your productivity. Apart from that, burnout can also cause a lot of health problems.
Fortunately, there are a lot of ways to prevent and recover from burnout. We’ll get to that in a bit but first, let’s talk about the signs first.
What Are The Signs Of Burnout?
When you feel like your job doesn’t matter or when you are constantly feeling frustrated, you might be starting to get burned out. Job stress can build over time and if you don’t deal with it as it comes, you run the risk of ending up in a really bad place.
Some of the most common signs of burnout include:
Stress builds over time and can overwhelm you if you aren’t careful. Little things can seem like huge things if you let them build. This stress can creep into your personal life and start to affect your health over time.
Who Gets Burnout The Most?
People working in high-stress jobs are more prone to experiencing burnout than other people. The list includes:
Anyone who deals with the public on a regular basis is prone to being abused for no good reason. Think of the people at your local burger restaurant getting yelled at for things that are completely out of their control. The same is true for teachers who have to deal with kids who are having problems at home and doctors and nurses who deal with sick and dying people on a regular basis.
All that stress can build up and lead to serious problems.
How Can Burnout Affect Your Life
When you don’t deal with your stress, it will build and eventually boil over. It can also lead to serious long-term health consequences such as:
You know how sometimes you will have a bad day and a minor annoyance will set you over the edge? That’s what happens when you don’t deal with chronic burnout. Eventually, it will manifest itself in more serious ways.
See Also: 10 Habits That Can Prevent Heart Disease
How to Avoid Burnout
Taking time to take care of yourself is important when you are starting to get burned out. When you notice the signs, it’s time to act. Don’t wait until your health suffers from stress before you make changes in your habit.
Some of the most useful and effective ways to deal with building stress include:
Taking time out to do a few little things to relieve your stress can make all the difference. Addressing your stressors head on can prevent them from building up and leading you to more serious problems.
When you are ready to confront your burnout, you are ready to change your life for the better. Some people never learn how to deal with their stress and it often ends up costing them dearly. You have the power to prevent stress at work from taking over your life and ruining your health. Learn more about dealing with your stress before it burns you out completely from this infographic!
“Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do.” ~Oprah Winfrey
I needed a bit of extra cash last month, so I took on a temporary events role working at a local design exhibition.
I’ve worked in events before, so I didn’t think much about it.
I just knew that I needed some money, I liked doing events, and a short contract had presented itself.
It seemed perfect!
So off I went to my first shift, feeling pretty good about myself and about life.
The first event was at a studio in a deserted industrial park. Even at 5:30pm, when it was still light, I felt uncomfortable walking the ten minutes from the bus stop.
When I got there, I quickly realized that the role wasn’t going to be as fun as I thought it would be: standing shivering outside in the cold, wearing an exhibition t-shirt, registering attendees, most of whom weren’t on the guest list but were expecting to be on the list.
So they got shirty.
And the line up grew longer.
So they got even more shirty.
Two hours later, and I was starting to wonder why I’d taken on the role. (And don’t get me wrong—I know there are worse jobs, and that I’d signed up for it myself. I’m not looking for pity.)
I started talking to the other girls who were working there. They were students, and it turns out they were a lot younger than me—nineteen and twenty-four. (I’m thirty-five.)
Now, I know that age doesn’t make a difference, and I’m generally pretty comfortable with my age. (Getting older is better than the alternative!) But in that moment, I felt pretty crappy.
So as I stood in the cold, with two girls ten to fifteen years younger than me, working for a near minimum wage job, I started to feel down.
I started feeling sorry for myself.
And at the end of the night, as I waited for the bus in the cold, dark bus depot, feeling pretty low, I texted a friend who I knew would understand.
My text read:
“What the hell am I doing?! I’m thirty-five years old, and I just worked a minimum wage job in a dodgy part of town, with a nineteen year old, and now I’m waiting for the hour-long bus journey to take me home.
My other friends are doctors or lawyers, own houses, and drive their (nice) cars to their places of work.
Ever feel like you’ve missed the boat somewhere?!”
My friend was sympathetic (she’s temping and traveling around Europe while most of her peers are buying houses, having kids, and generally “doing very well.”)
And then she said something that really stuck with me. Something that brought it all home:
She simply said:
“Think of your long-term vision.”
This is how she explained it to me:
“Yes, you’re doing a minimum wage role (temporarily). And yes, you’re working with people much younger than you. And taking the bus to work.
But you’re doing all this for a reason.
You’re doing this so you can set up your business. You’re doing this so you can create a new life for yourself—a life to really be proud of.
You’re doing this for the end goal.
So yes, it is sucky right now. But think of your long-term vision.”
I couldn’t have asked for a better reminder.
Because that was exactly it: I was working the job to earn extra money while I set up a business I’m passionate about.
I was temporarily in a murky patch so I could get to a better place in the future.
And I had forgotten my long-term vision.I had gotten caught up in the short-term
And this is so easy to do.
So I’d like to share my experience with you, to remind you of this powerful idea: Keep your long-term perspective in mind.
Don’t get caught up in what is happening now, only.
Think of the bigger picture: your big plans, your long-term goals.
If you’re setting up your business and feel like you’re not getting anywhere, think of the long-term vision.
You might not get anywhere in the first few months, but what about the next year or two? How far could you get if you kept going and putting in the effort?
If you’re working two jobs in order to go traveling after grad school, keep that vision in mind.
Think of setting off on that plane with your passport in hand, sipping an espresso in a village in Italy, or seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time.
Keep your long-term vision in mind.
If you’re writing a book and you’ve rewritten the first chapter ten times, think of your long-term vision: being an author.
Picture having your first book published and seeing it on sale in your local bookstore.
If you’re training for a half marathon and you busted your knee running, rest up, and think of your long-term goal: crossing that finish line.
Don’t worry about the things happening now. The crappy jobs you take… the revisions you’re making… the demo tapes you’re sending off with no replies… the manuscript rejections. These are all temporary.
But the long-term, if you keep taking action and putting one foot in front of the other, could be very different.
If you let it.
If you keep going.
If you keep your goal in mind, and keep it clear.
See, I had forgotten my reason for taking on this temporary events role.
It wasn’t to work in the cold while annoyed guests took their impatience out on me.
It was to earn money so I can keep working on my business.
To keep afloat while I follow my dream—my passion.
Something that makes me feel excited and proud and hopeful and exhilarated.
But, hang on, I know what you’re thinking:
Sounds easy, but how do you do it in practice?
How do you focus on the long-term, while you’re dealing with the difficulties of the short-term?
So here’s how I did it. I hope these points are helpful for you too:
1. Get clear on your goal, and display it somewhere prominent.
Post it on your wall. Set it as your phone backdrop. Make it your computer wallpaper.
Anything. Just make it visible. So you have a reminder, day in, day out, of what you’re working toward.
2. Know how your short-term plans are feeding into your long-term goal.
Get clear on how your actions are contributing to it.
E.g.: I am putting up posters in the rain at eight o’clock at night so that people know about my business and I can eventually help people with my successful and inspiring series of retreats.
I am taking the bus to this business event two hours from my hometown so I can meet people who might be able to help me get a job in my desired industry, or give me tips on how I can make it in this competitive market.
3. Team up with someone doing something similar.
Texting my friend was the best thing I could have done because she understood. She sympathized. I didn’t feel judged, or stupid.
So find someone in a similar situation to you. It doesn’t have to be in person—go online and seek out supportive websites, Facebook groups, whatever it is that helps you realize you’re not alone.
4. Know that everyone goes through this.
The people you see at the top of their game didn’t start there. They sweated, and toiled, and kept going when the end seemed unrealistic, or even impossible at times.
No one promised them they would get to the top. So they used their belief to keep them going.
Think of anyone you admire, in any field…
Did they work hard to get there, or did they have it handed to them magically on a plate? Did they take time to get to where they are now, or did it happen overnight?
5. Appreciate where you are now.
See the positives as well as the negatives. Your blog only has four readers? Great—think of all the mistakes you can make without anyone knowing or making harsh comments!
Working a boring job while you pay your way through school? Then sign up with a friend, and make it fun!
Because—without sounding negative—you will still have issues and problems when you get to where you want to be. They’ll just be different problems and issues. So enjoy the problems you have now.
I might have moaned about my long bus journey home at night, but if I’m traveling for business in the future, there could still be times where my flight is delayed and I’m hailing a cab in the pouring rain at one in the morning.
Appreciate where you are on your journey—it is all important.
So there we go. Five ways to keep going when your short-term reality doesn’t match your long-term vision.
Because we all have to do things we don’t necessarily want to, to get to where we truly want to be.
The trick is that most people don’t want to put themselves through this.
They don’t want to go through the tough times, the yucky stuff, to emerge out the other side, stronger and clear on where they’re headed.
It’s easier to stay in the easy, safe zone.
So use this to your advantage: Do the things you gotta do, to get to where you want to be.
Because we only have this life. So why not live it pursuing the things you love—your big goals and dreams?
Why not go after those dreams and adventures rather than moaning that nothing good ever comes your way? (Hint: it’s because you have to go out and get it.)
And now, over to you:
What are you working on now to fulfill your long-term vision?
What are you going through now, in order to create a brighter future for yourself?
What have you learned along the way?
Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear!
About Claire O'Connor
Claire O’Connor works with people who struggle to get things done. They desperately want to make progress on their side-hustle, project, or business, but keep getting stuck. Through her accountability program, she helps them turn their feelings of overwhelm into progress and moving forward. Check out her blog at The Five Percent.
Everyone knows that effective communication is absolutely necessary to make a relationship successful. Marriages fail every day due to a breakdown in communication between spouses. Professional relationships in the workplace fail for the same reason.
Misunderstandings and differences of opinion can turn into distrust between an employee and the boss. Once that happens, the workflow gets disrupted and the success of the business gets compromised. To prevent any of those things from happening, both parties need to recognize the importance of meetings.
When Meeting Regularly with the Boss is Not an Option
For a lot of employees, having a one-on-one meeting with their boss may not always be possible. This can be due to their demanding schedules and other specific deadlines that they have to meet. For some employees who are located in another office or work site, meeting with their boss regularly isn’t a practical option.
Despite those conditions, meeting with the boss should still be a priority. It’s one of the most effective means for keeping the boss updated.
If you’re one of those employees who work far from the main office or your boss is frequently away, you can turn to technology. The internet provides a lot of means to have a meeting even if the parties are not physically together. You can use your computer or your mobile phone to communicate with your boss regularly.
Things to Communicate to Your Boss
To keep the boss in the loop of how things are progressing in an organization, it is advisable to keep the lines of communication open on a regular basis. One way to accomplish this is to have a regular or weekly meeting with the boss.
Some of the things to be discussed at the meeting would be:
Status of projects
It is always important to keep the boss updated on the progress of his projects. Provide regular updates and be prepared to have a full report instead of waiting to be asked for it.
Goals and objectives
The boss will want to know how well you are keeping up with your team’s goals and objectives. Meeting with the boss on a regular basis will keep him/her updated on how things are progressing and what goals and objectives are yet to be met. While written reports outline the details of your progress, being able to discuss and explain the report is much more effective.
A good boss will want to keep employees motivated. Therefore, he/she will want to know more about the goals or personal ambitions of the employees. These things are best discussed in a one-on-one meeting.
Most bosses prefer hearing about issues as they happen and what is being done to address them. A regular meeting with the boss can provide the necessary updates regarding those issues.
Projection of possible issues down the road
Since no boss likes being caught off-guard with bad news, your boss will want to know any potential challenges that could pop up in the near future. So, regularly communicate any negative issues concerning his employees and what things can be done to address them.
Responses to last meetings
It sounds like common sense, but employees often get so wrapped up in their day-to-day issues that they forget to address issues that were discussed at their last meeting with the boss.
Read your notes and review them from time to time. This way, you’ll have an answer to your boss in case he asks related questions on your next meeting.
Wants and needs
The boss will not know what tools, resources or training you need to be successful unless you tell him. He’ll likely assume that all is well unless he hears otherwise. If you have any request or demand, don’t hesitate to communicate it during the meeting.
Updates on schedule for upcoming vacations
It is prudent to always compare schedules with the boss to know when the boss will be going on vacation and when an employee will be out of the office as well.
Input for strategic plan of the organization
Meeting with the boss can be a great opportunity to share thoughts and ideas about what’s happening in the workplace. It’s also a good chance to alert the boss about the things that can hinder the business’ success. Honest, frank discussions where ideas can be exchanged between the boss and the employees can help in the achievement of the organization’s goals.
Regular meetings establish trust, mutual respect, and care. And the more often these meetings occur, the less anxiety employees will have when sharing honest information concerning the boss and the business. The boss, on the other hand, will find it easier to rely on his employees, knowing that they are doing their best in their job.
See Also: How To Make Meetings More Effective
As the year is coming to a close, now seems like a perfect time to shine a spotlight on one of my favorite books of 2017.
Tiny Buddha contributor Harriet Cabelly has crafted a masterpiece in her book Living Well Despite Adversity: Inspiration for Finding Renewed Meaning and Joy in Your Life.
Harriet's faced her share of personal challenges in life, from going through a life-threatening medical crisis with her daughter to rebuilding her life after divorce. But this book isn't just about her own journey. It features interviews with dozens of people who’ve learned to thrive despite illness, loss, and other tragedies.
Uplifting and empowering, Living Well Despite Adversity offers hope and inspiration for anyone who’s struggling in life.
The stories are raw, the lessons powerful, and the messages universal. While some of the names are well known—including Cheryl Strayed and Meredith Viera—many were new to me; and I couldn’t have been more grateful for the chance to learn a little about their journeys and what’s helped them heal and grow.
I’ve shared below some of my favorite quotes from the book, but first…
Harriet has generously offered to provide two copies of Living Well Despite Adversity to Tiny Buddha readers. To enter the giveaway:
You can enter until midnight, PST, on Monday, December 17th.
From Michael Hingson, who was born blind, later survived 9-11 with the help of his guide dog, and then wrote the bestselling memoir Thunder Dog:
“If I were to suggest to other people what they ‘should’ do if they’re going through a tragedy or any kind of unexpected change I would say you must start with accepting the fact that the change happened, especially if you didn’t have control over it. And even if you did and it took an unexpected turn where you were left in a quandary, you must start with ‘All right, where am I?’ Get over the fact that it happened—‘Now where do I go from here?’ I don’t care what the challenge is, we all can start with that.”
From Amy Morin, who lost her mother, husband, and father-in-law in quick succession and then wrote the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do:
“It’s tempting to try to avoid the sadness and distress associated with grief—but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you have to face your emotions head-on. Other people will try to cheer you up because they’re uncomfortable with you being sad, but let yourself feel sad and angry and lonely. Time doesn’t heal anything. It’s what you do with that time that matters. So it’s important to use your time to heal—and part of healing means experiencing a wide variety of emotions. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and professionals. Your connections with other people can make all the difference in the world.”
From Natalie Taylor, who lost her husband, Josh, while pregnant with their first child:
“One thing I try to say to myself when I hit a bad patch is this idea that ‘it will pass.’ I won’t feel this way the whole day or the whole week. So I sort of embrace it and go through it because it will pass. It’s not that I ignore it. When I do get sad I remind myself that I’ll be happy again, eventually, or I’ll do something else in the day that will make me happy. I just know that things change quickly, although with grief they don’t change so quickly. At this point, four years out, my day-to-day attitude is so much more positive than it was three or four years ago obviously.
From Meredith Viera, journalist, TV personality, and caregiver to her husband Richard Cohen, who’s been living with MS for more than thirty years:
“Build that group of friends, that support system around you. Go for it. Don’t be afraid. Don’t feel that you’re a burden to other people. And don’t be ashamed of illness. What you’ll discover is everybody else has their own thing. People don’t like to talk about stuff. They hide it, but if you’re open and you say you need help, people will be there for you. It’s important to know they’re there. It’s like it takes a village; when there’s illness it takes a village too. Most people have been phenomenal.”
From Laverne Bissky, who started the No Ordinary Journey Foundation to help children, like her daughter, who struggle with Cerebral Palsy:
“For me coping is about balance: not static balance but dynamic balance because life is always in a state of flux. It’s about knowing when to push hard and when to rest. When to fight and when to let go. When to use and when to conserve resources. When to work hard and when to have fun. Practicing mindfulness helps me to know when to shift between these. It’s about paying attention to what is going on inside of you.”
From Natasha Alexenko, sexual assault survivor and founder of Natasha’s Justice Project, whose mission is to ensure rape kits are tested and investigated quickly:
“You don’t always have to be productive. You’re biggest responsibility is to yourself and making sure you’re OK. If you are not feeling well emotionally or mentally, you should treat yourself almost like you’re ill. If you had a cold you wouldn’t necessarily mop your floors or do your laundry. You’re allowed to take a moment to smell the roses and not be hard on yourself.”
From Julie Genovese, who wrote the memoir Nothing Short of Joy to share her story of living with a physically and emotionally challenging form of dwarfism:
“I didn’t realize I had a choice of how to see my challenges. When I turned it around to see those challenges as adventures or as mountains to climb so that I could see a fantastic view, my attitude changed; that shift in perspective would change all of it. I realized I did have more of this inner divine power than I had realized in the past. It’s a universal quality that keeps us moving forward. It’s that desire to be our own truth, to be our whole self. We are all born into these different handicaps, visible or invisible, and they are the catalyst to wake us up and remind us that we came here for growth and awareness. Our hardship and struggles are that springboard to appreciate what we can have here if we look at it differently, or if we experience it with new senses—like jumping into a pool after a horribly hot day is ten times better than jumping into a pool every day when you’ve never really gotten hot. As humans we have these catalysts to keep prodding us forward and to keep remembering there’s a greater and more beautiful truth than maybe what we’re living.”
From Dr. Daniel Gottlieb, psychologist, author, radio show host, who’s been paraplegic since a car accident three decades ago:
“When I’m in a dark hole, I want someone who loves me enough to sit there next to me and not tell me there’s light on the other side. Words are not going to do anything and 90% of the time they’re going to be patronizing. They’re also going to be a byproduct of your own anxiety and helplessness. Just sit with me. Just have the courage to try to fathom what I’m experiencing.”
From Judy Shephard, who lost her son to an anti-gay hate crime and then founded the Matthew Shephard Foundation to help erase hate:
“In my personal experience, as well as that of many very close friends and family members, you don’t ‘emerge.’ The darkness is always there; it just gets different. It becomes something you can look at with some objectivity. We still have joy and happiness in our lives; it’s just different. At least, that is what it has been for my family to date. My advice is not to let anyone tell you the accepted time limit for grief—it is limitless. That being said, it must also become something you embrace rather than fear. We’ve encouraged our friends and family to still share memories of Matt, not to shy away from remembering him. He will always be a part of our lives and that is a good thing.”
From Julia Fox Garrison, stroke survivor and author of the memoir Don’t Leave Me This Way:
“I think we are conditioned to say the word ‘can’t’ which closes all doors to possibilities. I have discovered that if you include the word ‘yet’ then the door to opportunity remains ajar. I used to say ‘can’t’ so often that it became second nature in conversation. Now I avoid saying ‘can’t’, but when I need to say it, I always include the qualifier, ‘yet’. So I can’t rollerblade yet, but I plan on it someday, maybe.”
FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. Her latest bookTiny Buddha's Gratitude Journal, which includes 15 coloring pages, is now available for purchase. For daily wisdom, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram..
The post 10 Powerful Quotes on Overcoming Adversity (and a Book Giveaway) appeared first on Tiny Buddha.